It still happened. In this world, where the culture is one that breeds a belief in "boys will be boys" and "what a co*k tease" and "way to go man, high five" and "well, you shouldn't have been alone with him" it's more likely to happen than not, I fear.
I can tell you, however, that I knew now that no means no. I knew that people had no right to touch my boobs or my bum without me telling them yes. And I knew I had no right to do such things to others without their permission.
I can tell you that I started expecting different things from the world, and I started walking away and telling, if not always authorities, someone when things were inappropriate. I had learned that sometimes people just don't know that what they are doing is wrong, and when they do know I have a right and responsibility to speak up so it might not happen to others. I started speaking differently to myself and about myself in my head.
"What did I do? How did I screw up again? What is it about me? Why am I so weak and pathetic?" This is one reason people don't tell when they are abused or harassed.But there are many others. Losing our jobs, thinking it's normal, knowing that other stronger women have been through more and handled it, these are a few other reasons. And there are more.
Some people don't tell because they don't have the ability to. In the world of disability sexual abuse and harassment is a big problem. Also, pedophilia is a big problem. Disabled people and children are already too often taught by society that they ought to shut up and do what they are told. Often they are treated as less than or as lucky to be taken care of in the first place. Often, they just don't have the ability to speak at all because of their disability or young, young, young age.
I wish I could gather everyone into that courtroom with me, everyone in the world, and we could listen together in the same way I listened that day. I wish everyone could hear, the way I heard - with conviction and belief and life-changing tectonic plate shifting clarity - what I heard that judge say.
"No means no. Even if you think it's a game, even if nobody is screaming, no means no. Every time. Not only that, you need to get permission. You need to be told yes. Every time."
If you ever catch yourself, as the done-to or the doer, justifying by thinking these sorts of things:
"Well, it was only boob touching, it was only bum rubbing, it was only uncomfortable sex, it wasn't screaming and fighting and getting punched and stuff."
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