Episode 2: "Mystery Guy"
SCENE 1: INT. STATA BUILDING, BEV AND GLENN'S OFFICE
Bev is trading words with Glenn, the fastidious public relations intern from the BU School of Journalism, who is not happy about how Bev keeps bringing in stuffed gnomes to the room and depositing them just about anywhere.
BEV
What are you complaining about? You work in a well-lit office overlooking the sea and can tell people you know your boss is Noam Chomsky.
GLENN
Working for Noam is special, but where is this sea you speak of? And it might be well-lit but look at all the shadows from the crazy quilt of corners and molding anomalies.
[kicks a gnome]
BEV
Hey! Be careful. That might be Noam's favorite gnome.
GLENN
No, I put his favorite on his desk in his office in his view out to the sea. But why did you dump the rest of them on me? Now I have to move amongst them and around and when I just want to be free.
[he picks up a gnome and tosses it toward Bev, who is not prepared. It bops her upside her head.]
BEV
Hey, watch it!
[he giggle and throws another one, and it's on]
Now you will know Gnoman Justice.
[she picks up a gnome and throws it it so hard he squeals and ducks]
GLENN
You're psycho! Stop!
[the flurry continues back and forth, laughter and good cheer]
By the way, I thought you said when I started that employees got free parking.
BEV
I lied to you. Why don't you quit?
GLENN
And you said employee lunches were subsidized. As they should be, to make you eat that slop.
BEV
Quit.
GLENN
I can smell the Charles River when I lunch at the tavern with the doors open to the sea. The luffing gulls. My friend, Armand, late again. Oh, what will become of me? {he throws a large gnome and knocks her over, slapstick style]
BEV [from the floor, speaks expletives backwards]
CUT TO:
SCENE 2: EXT. MIT STATA BUILDING - MORNING
We hear the theme song, a version of "Look What They've Done to My Song," but jaunty. Noam stands staring up at the hated Frank Gehry building that looks like someone got angry and coldcocked it.
He stands there looking up at the monstrosity of modernism, brutalist even.
He mutters something derisive, his masterpiece of comeuppance to The Man. A co-ed jogger in a running suit passes him and gaily lets fly a quote from Manufacturing Consent.
JOGGER
"Propaganda is to democracy what the bludgeon is to a totalitarian state."
CHOMSKY
You know it, kid.
JOGGER
I love you, Noam. [she puts her ear buds back in, keeps jogging]
CHOMSKY
But what's the sense of beating a dead horse.?
He walks glumly toward the face-punch building where he works.
CUT TO:
SCENE 1: INT. STATA BUILDING, BEV AND GLENN'S OFFICE
Noam Chomsky is passing the door, stops, and makes his entrance. Loud canned cheers and whistles, Superstar stuff. The two stop fighting.
CHOMSKY
Do you notice an applause track when I walk in or is that just me?
GLENN
Mr. Chomsky, Bev said I'd get free parking when I agreed to be hired, but my bicycle is accumulating tickets.
[Bev throws a gnome at GLENN and it binks off him. She speaks tongues. NOAM stares them momentarily and then walks on without a word. The soundtrack starts up again. NOAM puts his head back in the room again.]
CHOMSKY
See, there it is again.
CUT TO:
SCENE 4: INT NOAM'S OFFICE
Noam sits down at his desk where a large stuffed gnome is plopped and smiles at him. He backhands it off his desk. He's in a foul mood. Foul for Noam anyway. BEV walks in, sees the gnome on the floor.
BEV (still speaking backwards)
Noam, there is a gnome on your floor. Do you know anything about it? Or is that outside your area of expertise, too.
NOAM (ignoring her)
Who's on first?
[She begins to do the Abbott and Costello routine.}
Cut the sh*t, Bev. Who's my interview today?
BEV
Turd Blossom.
NOAM
Come again?
BEV
Karl Rove
NOAM
Why did you call him that?
BEV
Apparently, it was president GW Bush's term of endearment.
NOAM
Too true.
BEV
He's in the waiting area.
NOAM
Okay, see if he wants some coffee, bring me one, and send him in.
BEV
Right. [She places the gnome in a rocking chair -- another gift -- and sets it rocking.]
NOAM stares at the gnome. Karl Rove walks in to thunderous applause. NOAM does a double take. He stands and starts clapping and finger-whistling, walks over to the approaching TURD BLOSSOM and gives him a huge hug. Fever pitch roars of approval.
TURD BLOSSOM (taking a seat)
I don't get hugged much.
NOAM
Well, you're special. Right up there with Charles Colson.
TURD BLOSSOM
Wow, thank you, he was a real hero of mine.
NOAM
And a felon. (Oohs and ahhs soundtrack)
TURD BLOSSOM
That's what I call reality-based thinking, Noam. It's passe.
NOAM
Oh, I thought you denied saying that to Susskind the reporter at the New York Times.
TURD BLOSSOM
I can't say whether I said it to him. I denied it. That's a reality. But that doesn't mean I said it then. But I am saying it now.
NOAM
Owning it?
TURD BLOSSOM
I wouldn't go that far.
BEV brings in two mugs, puts them on the desk, and exits.
I understand you wanted to see me today.
NOAM (looking around)
Well, actually, Bev books appointments for people -- all kinds of people, from high brows to the low -- who want to interview me. Why would I want to interview you?
TURD BLOSSOM
Maybe you want to know more about reality-based thinking.
NOAM
Are you tripping?
TURD BLOSSOM
You're always going on about the Empire, Noam. The Empire did this, the Empire did that. Mwah, bad Empire. Pull down its pants and whack its dick real good. Mwah. But it's not like that anymore. We are history's actors, and no Nader or Government Accounting Officer is going to keep us down.
NOAM
Well, from what I've read, you're essentially a thug. And a thief.
TURD BLOSSOM
Thief? Those are fighting words, sirrah!
NOAM
Supposedly you helped steal the 2016 election for Trump by calling Ohio election officials you knew on vote night and advising them to lose some provisional votes.
TURD BLOSSOM
That's why they are called provisional.
NOAM
Did you?
TURD BLOSSOM
There you go again. The reality. Trump deserved to win. Elements made sure he did. And while you're sifting through those entrails elements will be remaking the world --
NOAM
Get out of my office.
TURD BLOSSOM
Why'd you call me in for then?
NOAM
(shouting) Go.
TURD BLOSSOM
Jesus, no wonder you were on Nixon's enemy list. (stands to go) I mean, sirrah. What hath crawled up your loincloth today?
BEV hearing NOAM shout comes running in.
BEV
What's the matter, Noam?
TURD BLOSSOM
Humankind cannot stand too much reality. f*ck em.
NOAM
Get him out of here. (groans from the soundtrack)
TURD BLOSSOM
Well, don't I get a signed copy of Manufacturing Consent?
NOAM
Get out, see? (motions for Bev to escort him out, eyes the gnome on the rocking chair)
TURD BLOSSOM
Sirrah!
BEV escorts him out, grabs the gnome and hands it to TURD BLOSSOM, who turns and smiles at NOAM.
Thank you.
The soundtrack goes insane with applause and moaning choo-choos.
CUT TO:
SCENE 5: INT BEV AND LAURA AT ONE POTATO, TWO POTATO
The couple sit at their usual spot in the restaurant, menus in hand, talking.
LAURA
Why so glum?
BEV
He's talking about moving to Arizona.
LAURA
Let him. You've put in your time. You've got life: You're no actuary.
BEV
What a nice thing to say.
LAURA
You needn't snark. I'm just saying.
WAITER
You two ready to order.
LAURA
The usual.
WAITER
With sour cream?
LAURA
IS that what we usually get>
WAITER
Uh-huh.
LAURA
Then.
The waiter skips away, like Tiny Tim through the tulips with Twiggy by his side.
BEV
He was yelling today.
LAURA
Wow, Noam? What happened?
BEV
Karl Rove happened.
LAURA
What do you mean?
BEV
He came in for an interview.
LAURA
Yeah?
BEV
Rove thought Nam wanted to interview him.
LAURA
No way.
BEV
And started lecturing Noam on reality-based thinking. Noam went nuts. For Noam.
LAURA
And then what happened?
BEV
I thought Niam was going to defenestrate him -- toss him right out through the reality-based window.
LAURA
Oh my. That is so unlike Noam to be so rattled.
BEV
Yes. Turd would have landed on the 8th floor above us rather than the ground.
LAURA
Is that a snark at the Gehry architecture again?
BEV
Funny. But he regained his equipoise and composure and gave him a parting gift instead.
LAURA
Another one of his remainders books?
BEV
You're awful. No, he gave Rove a gnome.
LAURA
How sweet.
BEV
Yeah, you should have heard the soundtrack.
CUT TO:
SCENE 6: INT GLENN ALONE IN HIS OFFICE
Glenn sits on the floor amidst the stuffed gnomes playing dolly house. He holds two dolls, face to face.
GLENN
Speak, Dolly.
CONSPIRACY THEORY DOLLY (child's voice)
I don't wike you no more, Noam Chomsky. First you let us down after 9 Eleven. And now you won't admit Covid-19 was a scam that killed millions to make billions and to show the world who's in charge. You thuck, Noam Chomsky.
NOAM CHOMSKY DOLLY (measured reason, still childish)
Well, we mustn't get distracted by illusion-based thinking.
CONSPIRACY THEORY DOLLY
But you know insiders did these mean things. You know it. You know it. Why won't you say?
NOAM CHOMSKY DOLLY
What's to say?
CONSPIRACY THEORY DOLLY
They came down freefall -- all three buildings, Noam.
NOAM CHOMSKY DOLLY
Well, what's your point?
CONSPIRACY THEORY DOLLY
Why can't you just come out and say it, Noam? Why?
BEV walks into the room, scans and assesses.
BEV
Hey, Dibs, you hungry? I bought back a baked potato for you. You just need to pop in the microwave. Coleslaw, too.
CONSPIRACY THEORY DOLLY
I don't want no stinkin baked potato.
Swipes at BEV. NOAM CHOMSKY DOLLY slugs the other doll. There is a doll brawl.
CUT TO:
SCENE 7: INT BOOKSHOP ON BOYLSTON STREET, BOSTON
Noam Chomsky sits at a table autographing his new book, The Shape of Things That Come, a historical novel. He answers brief questions.
CUSTOMER 1
Thanks, Mr. Chomsky. I was wondering, what made you want to write a novel after all those non-fiction books?
CHOMSKY
Well, I suppose I was wondering if I was capable of writing fiction.
CUSTOMER 1
Oh, don't worry, Mr. Chomsky, you did a swell job. The plot was to die for. I call it Noam's Arc.
CHOMSKY
Thank you.
CUSTOMER 2
Judas!
CHOMSKY
Here we go.
CUSTOMER 2
They were f*cking around with gain-of-function in China, Noam.
CHOMSKY
Well --
CUSTOMER 2
How could you let them get away with it, Noam? How could you not speak Truth to Power?
CHOMSKY
Did you come to have a book signed?
CUSTOMER 2
Book signed? We should throw the book at you?
CUSTOMER 2 starts mimicking the tone of Chomsky's Manufacturing Consent.
"The media's job is not to educate us; it is to Guide public opinion along acceptable lines, marginalizing and excluding dissidents who challenge state or corporate power." You said that. I'm a dissident, man.
CHOMSKY
Yes, I did write that. But my new book is much more titillating. Why don't you try it.
CUSTOMER 2
f*ck you, man.
STORE PROPRIETOR
Okay, get him out.
Two burly clerks begin dragging the dissident out.
CUSTOMER 2
Judas! And now you've paved the way for the return of Trump to the White House. All because you wouldn't speak up. Why couldn't it have been you instead of Salman Rushdie?
One of the clerks clobbers the dissident with a hardcopy of Infinite Jest. The dissident moans.
CHOMSKY
That wasn't called for. (to the proprietor) See that he gets a signed copy and a stuffed gnome.
SCENE 8: INT BEV AT A SUPERMARKET
BEV is in the fruit and vegetable section looking at the bananas. She accidentally stands on a yellow circle on the floor and a voice starts calling down to her from a directional speaker. Only she could hear the voice. It's the voice of NOAM.
NOAM'S VOICE
You need to buy the tight bananas, Bev. You don't want to just buy the cheapest; they may be from a war-torn nation. Whatever you do don't buy any Chiquita.
BEV
What the ? --
She looks around, no one is paying attention. She discovers that the voice is coming from the ceiling above her.
Can you hear me? How did you get Noam's voice?
NOAM'S VOICE
I can hear you, for I am a chatbot, but I just want you to listen.
BEV
You mean just like Alexa?
NOAM'S VOICE
Uh-huh. But listen. You don't want to buy the wrong bananas. Also, you must let Noam know I need to speak to him personally. Can you bring him to the yellow circle?
BEV
He's signing books today.
NOAM'S VOICE
We know. Bring him here to shop for bananas and nudge him into the circle. We need to speak to him.
BEV
Is that you Turd Blossom?
NOAM'S VOICE
Bring him.
CUT TO:
SCENE 9: INT. BUILDING 20, MYSTERY GUY'S HIDEOUT - AFTER HOURS
[A rarely used storage room filled with old desks, ancient equipment and archival boxes never to be opened again. Nobody comes here. The MYSTERY GUY lives there, on the lam, from everything. CHOMSKY is there out of sympathy to respect his humanity and to watch him perform.]
CHOMSKY
[entering through a door, calling out in near dark] Hello? Hello. Is there anybody in there?
[A spotlight erupts, sits in a chair, guitar strapped on, mic ready. Applause track starts up. Whistles. Claps. Flashbulbs go off. CHOMSKY approaches the rough stage.]
Applegate? Can you hear me?
[ clicks a device to turn the sound down but can't, rushes to turn off the sound system. CHOMSKY is surprised by flashbulbs. The sound stops. MYSTERY GUY moves back to the chair. His hair is haywired; he is feral seeming; his eyes tapdance around.]
That's some trick with flashbulbs. How'd you rig that up?
MYSTERY GUY
You know my name's not really Applegate, right?
CHOMSKY
Well, so I surmised. But I feel more comfortable to have a name that goes with your face. It needn't be your real name.
MYSTERY GUY
That's true. Dylan had what -- like 15 names or something, didn't he?
CHOMSKY
Something like that. My favorite was Alias Anything You Please.
MYSTERY GUY
Oh, yeah, from Pat Garrett and Billy the Kid. Weird film. [CHOMSKY laughs/] To answer your question I networked some old burner cell phones and programmed them to flash in intervals as I start my performance.
CHOMSKY
Very impressive. You should apply to MIT, I'd vouch for you. [ laughs a little crazily.]
MYSTERY GUY
I don't want to talk about that.
CHOMSKY
Well, okay. What are you gonna sing for me?
MYSTERY GUY
"I'm Not Sure."
CHOMSKY
Oh, well, then why don't just sing that song you sang on American Idol?
MYSTERY GUY
No, I mean, that's the name of the song -- "I'm Not Sure."
CHOMSKY
Oh. Oh, okay. [he looks around for a place to sit, finds an old squeaky swivel chair slightly angled.]
MYSTERY GUY
It's okay. You know? They didn't have to laugh me off the stage. That Lionel Ritchie was downright cruel.
CHOMSKY
Well, it may have seemed that way, but maybe it wasn't as --
MYSTERY GUY
-- Noam, Ritchie was absolutely diabolical with his looks. I had to go pee-pee. I hate him. To have to hear criticism from a guy who wrote all his songs in the shower. f*ck that!
CHOMSKY
Well, I won't laugh. But we have to get going. I have to meet someone at One Potato Two Potato at 7. So.
MYSTERY GUY
No. No, that's okay, Noam. I'm ready. [some moments of prep silence, then he starts singing "I'm Not Sure." Noam's chair squeaks.]
Spent days in the drizzle
counting all the drops
feeling it all fizzle
then someone called the cops
there was a tussle tizzle
followed by be-bops
Why? I'm not sure.
When I was very little
I was sent away
for feeling Julie's middle
she didn't like my play
I cried hey diddle diddle
As they took me, she cried hooray
Why? I'm not sure
Oh, on crazy 9 Eleven
as the buildings fell away
down to hell from heaven
the nuns began to pray
Then came Building 7
still falling to this day
Why? I'm not sure
Why? I'm not sure
Why? I'm. not. sure.
[CHOMSKY makes some silent, perhaps appreciative gestures, but doesn't clap.]
I'm still working on it.
CHOMSKY
[getting up]
Well, thanks for that. Gotta run. You take care. And foret Lionel Ritchoe.
[MYSTERY GUY sits downcast in his chair. CHOMSKY hits the light. In the darkness, CHOMSKY calls out.]
I'll leave some food later. Good night, Applegate.
MYSTERY GUY
I'm not really Applegate.
[door closes. total darkness.]
CUT TO:
SCENE 10: INT STATA BUILDING, NOAM'S OFFICE
CHOMSKY sits at his desk looking glum. A book falls from an angled shelf he so detests. BEV walks in.
BEV
Where were you, I was looking all around for you?
CHOMSKY
I went to visit the old haunt.
BEV
Building 20? Yipes, what for?
CHOMSKY
To check out the Mystery Man.
BEV
Was everything okay?
CHOMSKY
It was.
BEV
I got a phone call from Arizona.
CHOMSKY
And?
BEV
They offered you the job.
CHOMSKY
Tell them I'll take it.
BEV
You will?
She begins speaking backwards.
FADE
Post Article Comment and Rate This Article
