Chomsky: The Sitcom
Episode 3: "Requiem for a Dream"
Inspired by the memoir Chomsky and Me (OR Books, 2023) by Bev Boisseau Stohl
The characters in this episode, in the order they appear, are Noam, Glenn, Bev, Laura, and a few "extra" types, including the Deep State. The characters are very loosely based on actual people associated with Chomsky, including Chomsky himself. No attempt is made here to paint accurate pictures of their real lives or personalities. The situation is the one described by Bev Stohl in her marvelous memoir about her 25 years plus as Noam Chomsky's office manager, during which she set up his interviews with all kinds of people from all walks of life. 9/11 is a tiresome theme often lampooned in my sit-com representation of 'Noam's indifference' to the monkey business that the Deep State is always up to. No, really.
SCENE 1: INT. DREAM WORLD
Noam Chomsky is dreaming. Two Rock Em Sock Em robots are fighting in a ring, canned crowd cheers. The head of the blue robot is shaped like the MIT Stata Building designed by Frank Gehry and the red robot's head is shaped like a Frank Lloyd Wright structure. A voiceover that sounds like Howard Cosell calls the play-by-play.
"COSELL"
Here we go, Round 8 of another tight match between two towers of structural integrity.
"HOWARD"
You got that right, Cosell, although I shiver to my to core as consider your notion of integrity as applied to these two brutal men. Frank Gehry frankly is a mauler. I hesitate to use the appellation "boxer" to describe his metier. And this other fellow, who had his day in the sun so long ago, now looks lost at the punishing lefts and mighty rights of Gehry.
"COSELL"
If I may get a word in edgewise, Howard, we have to keep in mind that though boxing is a brutal sport, the importance that our society attaches to sport is incredible. After all, is football a game or a religion? The people of this country have allowed sports to get completely out of hand.
"HOWARD"
No doubt you are right again, Cosell. Sports is a human life in microcosm. Now Lennon is dead. Shot twice in the back. Ono releases that primal scream album Season of Glass. Brutal sport.
Wright gives Gehry a right uppercross he doesnt see coming and Gehry's head goes off his shoulders. Wright moves in, speed bags some face with a flurry of left rights biffs and baffs. Gehry's face morphs into the Stata building where Chomsky works. Chomsky wakes from his dream. Camera pans down at Chomsky looking up at the monstrosity that modern architecture has become. He's no expert at building design, but still he's awed by what seems a juvenile pushback at brutalist architecture, awed by the stupidity and cupidity at a time when the globe must come together to solve real problems.
Two male joggers pass by slowly. They recognize Noam immediately.
ISHY
(snide)
Look, Toby, if it isn't the Say Hey Kid of public philosophy.
TOBY
I know who he is, Ishy. Hey, Mr. Chomsky. Looks like Building 7, doesn't it? After Rudy "RICO" pulled it. Heard you're running to Arizona.
ISHY
No towering infernos there.
(over his shoulder)
Thanks for Donald Trump, gnome. Did you see how democracy just came down in freefall?
TOBY
Yeah, and you are to blame.
ISHY
(to TOBY) Maybe he doesn't have expertise in such structures either.
CHOMSKY
(turning toward the joggers who are now almost out of hearing range)
CHOMSKY curses after the joggers, channeling Bev's backwards-speaking lingo. He says, yourselffuckgo. ISHYstops abruptly.
ISHY
(turns)
Did you just call me a feral dog?
CHOMSKY
If the shoe fits, watch what you step in. And I haven't even mentioned Building 7. Pull this. (Chomsky holds out his finger) Pull this.
(The joggers laugh and continue)
CHOMSKY
(turning back to the Stata)
Well. Democracy is a brutal sport.
Fade to Chomsky entering the lobby of the Stata Building, while the theme song, a jaunty instrumental version of "Look What They've Done To My Song, Ma," plays in background. Chomsky presses the button of an elevator and enters as it dings and opens. The door closes and a moment later the other elevator door opens -- and out exits Chomsky, confused, lost even. He calls Bev.who comes down to the lobby and escorts him back up in the same elevator he had first taken. The door opens and Chomsky exits/ He turns, looking for Bev, but she's not there in the elevator. Chomsky walks toward his office.
As he passes by Glenn's office be looks in -- and sees Bev. He steps back into the hallway, perplexed, and looks around Asif he had entered some kind of parallel universe. He feels at himself to ascertain that he is actually there.
SCENE 2: INT. GLENN'S OFFICE
(Bev and Glenn in busy conversation)
GLENN
All I'm saying is that we need to shake up the z-generation if we want to build a new counterculture to give comeuppance to the Man.
BEV
Maybe. You're the expert on such things. Or will be one day.
GLENN
Will be?
BEV
You know, when your internship is finished, and your thesis is published and girls are moving in on you to be closer to the power of your words --
GLENN
I'm gay, Bev.
BEV
Guys, then.
GLENN
I don't see how I can improve on Manufactured Consent. I mean, how do I reach new audiences with this seminal work? It's not my work it's; Noam's work. My job is to reach through the thicket of those that don't give a sh*t anymore. And give them a good woking they'll never forget.
(Picks up a gnome and throttles it, screaming, Listennnnn.)
BEV
Well if I may critique your approach, you need to be careful not to throw the baby out with the bathwater. Gen Z is full of good kids who don't really know what to do in this world that we presented them already so f***** up.
GLENN
Okay, but Noam had the same problem when he was younger, with a different generation. They just don't want to listen; don't wanna listen. Just wanna sit around smoking dope all day. Listening to Jimmy Cliff and jazz and Dylan.
BEV
Now we sit around listening to Taylor Swift and wondering whether your input could change the presidential election results. Will she come to the rescue?
GLENN
And when she beds down with her man, does she prefer to be a wide receiver or a tight end?
BEV
That's incredibly crude. Why don't you quit.
GLENN
Validate my parking and maybe I will.
BEV
(Rolls her eyes)
I gotta go. Noam just texted me from the lobby. More trouble with this building. Poor guy.
GLENN
(as BEV is leaving)
Hey, fight the power.
(BEV gives him a look and moves off)
Cut.
SCENE 3: INT. CHOMSKY'S OFFICE
CHOMSKY sits at his desk still perplexed by the day's events so far. BEV walks in.
BEV
Good morning, Noam.
I see you made it up your office all right. But why did you call me down to the lobby?
CHOMSKY
(He shakes his head.)
Well, I don't know.
So who am I interviewing today?
BEV
Angela Davis.
CHOMSKY
(Nodding his head, as if acknowledging that it will be that kind of day.)
And where is she now?
BEV
She's talking with Glenn.
CHOMSKY
But I just came from there. I didn't see her. Was she under a desk?
BEV
Just came from there? I thought you were in the lobby.
(Noam looks around, touches himself, perplexed.)
I'll go get Professor Davis.
(She exits.)
Cut.
SCENE 4: INT. GLENN'S OFFICE
Bev walks in to see ANGELA DAVIS on top of GLENN, pressing a handgun into his face.
DAVIS
You understand, motherf*cker?
GLENN
Sorry. I was just being playful, ma'am. Me and Bev have fights all the time.
DAVIS
Well, do I look like Bev to you? motherf*cker?
(She shoots one of the gnomes. It explodes. Glenn lets out a freaked out eek.)
BEV
Ahem, Professor Davis, Noam is ready to see you now.
DAVIS
He's ready to see me?
BEV
Would you like a coffee?
DAVIS
Strong and black, no sugar. You dig?
BEV
Well, get your Black ass in there and I'll bring it to you. (Pause.) I suppose you'll want a cruller?
DAVIS
Want a cruller? That some of kind of dig? (climbs off Glenn, who lays there terrified) Come here, honky tonk.
(BEV turns and skedaddles)
Oh, you think you is gonna to run on me, huh? Come on feet, let's go. (Gets up and gives chase, a few moments later we hear some kind sound of roughhousing and anguish, followed by something in backwards English)
Cut.
SCENE 5: INT. - CHOMSKY'S OFFICE - A FEW MOMENTS LATER
BEV and CHOMSKY are sitting and enjoying a pleasant cup of coffee together, They are discussing poetry. BEV is nicely groomed, casual in mien, in good humor, and shows no signs of having been chased moments before. DAVIS watches for a few moments like she's unsure what's going on. Then she puts away her handgun.
BEV
I love Donne and Eliot; they're two of my favorites. But I've read Lowell High is removing Donne and Eliot from their libraries.
CHOMSKY
What happened?
BEV
Some parents and Catholics were upset at passages in some of their works. Inappropriate language. Racy, even.
CHOMSKY
Racy? What's racy about Donne?
BEV
Holy Sonnet. "Batter My Heart." It closes:
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.
CHOMSKY
Well.
BEV
Ravish. Nuh-uh, they said.
CHOMSKY
And Eliot?
BEV
The same group of mobilized citizens didn't like a couple of things about Eliot. The scene with the mermaids, him going, Do I dare to eat a pitch? That was a no-go.
CHOMSKY
Because of the mermaids?
DAVIS (breaking in)
I'll to you why --
There is a massive spontaneous explosion of cheers and whistles as the superstar takes centerstage at the superbowl halftime show. Leggy and slimmed down, Afro in full Mother Africa blossom. Man, she smell good, too. Might be that new hemp shampoo they touting.
-- tired old man thinking about trying cunnilingus for the first time to stop his sorry ass from decaying into irrelevance.
BEV (jumping up. excited)
Professor Davis! Welcome to MIT.
DAVIS
Oh, I have been here before. (She and CHOMSKY share a smile)
(Hugs BEV)
So you're the one taking care of this old goat, huh? Good job from what I can see.
CHOMSKY
Angela was here in 2006 to join the "Historic Teach-In on the War on Lebanon and Gaza." She talked about Palestinian imprisonment.
DAVIS
And Noam discussed hegemony and imperialism.
BEV
That sounds nice. (to DAVIS) Coffee?
DAVIS
Sure.
BEV moves toward the door.
Don't you want to know what I want?
BEV
Strong and black. (They smile at each other)
DAVIS
Damn straight. (BEV exits)
CHOMSKY
I've had a glimpse at your new book, Abolition. l wrote down a passage I liked:
The current notion that the "criminals" with which prisons are overcrowded are largely beyond the pale of rehabilitation-- that "nothing works-- "is very much connected with the fact that in the contemporary era, the terms "Black" and "male," when combined, have become virtually synonymous with "criminal" in the popular imagination.
DAVIS
Right?
And they worried about eating peaches. (canned laughter explosion)
CHOMSKY
(laughing)
Right. Well, how do you feel about Donne though?
DAVIS
Nuh, f*ck Donne, that imprison me sh*t gotta go. You ask them to ravish you like that, sh*t, you just encourage the type.
CHOMSKY
The type?
DAVIS
The motherfuckin ravishers.
CHOMSKY
(still laughing)
But peaches is a go?
DAVIS
Damn straight. You know, Noam, the clitoris is the only human body part put there by evolution whose only function is to give the woman pleasure. It's a joy buzzer.
CHOMSKY
Abe's God again. Full of mischief. Eden would have been paradise for her.
Well, have a seat, let's talk about -- whatever. I have about a half hour before I have to go do a book signing.
DAVIS
Great book. Read it on the flight over. The Myth of American Idealism. Ain't that the fuckin truth.
CHOMSKY
Well. We have to figure out what to do about Trump and company now.
DAVIS
Hell! I know some sisters who wanna lock and load and go primitive on his sorry ass. How many motherfuckin chances does that man get?
CHOMSKY
Well.
DAVIS
We ought to revoke Melania's citizenship. See if she don't care about anything after that.
CHOMSKY
Well. What did you want to interview me about?
DAVIS
Interview you? Whatchoo wanna interview me about?
(They both laugh. DAVIS gestures to a coffee table and pulls the gear and begins to roll a joint.)
CHOMSKY
Bev arranged it. I guess we're supposed to come out of this conversation with a joint statement about building a new counterculture.
DAVIS
Shiiit!
BEV walks in with coffee and suddenly panics when she sees DAVIS. It's the chase scene again. Suddenly, DAVIS pulls out her gat and goes in pursuit. Exits after BEV.
CHOMSKY
Well. Democracy is a brutal sport.
Cut.
SCENE 6: INT. MASS AVE SHAWARMAS
BEV and LAURA are sitting across from one another at the middle eastern restaurant in Central Square, Cambridge, not far from MIT.
LAURA
This shawarma is delicious.
BEV
Mmmm. Wait until you wash it down with the qamar al-din.
LAURA
(takes a sip)
Mmm.
I'm getting clients who are worried that they might be living in the end days. High anxiety types. Lot of them are on benzos.
(she asks with her eyes if she can have one of Bev's french fries and receives a raised brow affirmative)
I don't know what to do. There's no easy answers. Everything seems to be accelerating for them.
How do you stay so cool?
BEV
Well, I've got you and I've got Chomsky. So I'm okay. I feel lucky.
(A waitress approaches. She seems middle eastern. Cute, young, college-aged.)
WAITRESS
Some coffee?
BEV
Sure.
LAURA
Yes. (as the waitress starts to walk away) Are you from the middle east?
WAITRESS
Uh-huh.
BEV
Where from?
WAITRESS
Syria, now.
BEV
Now?
WAITRESS
Yes, now. We decided to stay and build some settlements there.
LAURA
(pamicky)
We?
WAITRESS
Yeah, Israel.
BEV
You're an Israeli? How come you are working at a middle eastern restaurant?
WAITRESS
What are you an anti-semite?
LAURA
Well, what are you doing here in Cambridge?
WAITRESS
Summer job.
LAURA
Aren't you upset by what's happening there?
WAITRESS
What do you mean? We're gonna spread throughout the region now.
LAURA engages the waitress in a long and controlled situation, as she might with a psychology client, looking for an inroad for reason to enter. Meanwhile, BEV is looking out the window. Across the street there is a disturbance. BEV sees a tall dark woman with an afro backing out of a bank with a gun in one hand and a money bag in the other.
BEV
Angela?
LAURA
I find you hideous and we will have to leave immediately.
BEV
What's happening?
LAURA
The waitress is an Israeli. Worse, the restaurant is owned by Israelis. Worse still, she said her dad will be opening up more shawarma joints across the city. (gets up) Come on, let's get out of here. (They drop bills)
BEV is stunned. It's already been a harrowing day.
Outside LAURA bristles. Looks around. Sees a CVS and asks BEV to wait. She goes into the store. BEV coming out of a daze realises there's no one backing out of a bank with a gay and a bag of cash. LAURA comes out of CVS with a poster board on which she's written END APART HATE now! She has a referees whistle around her neck.
BEV
Laura, what are you doing?
LAURA
This aggression will not stand.
BEV
But you've got clients to see. You can't just blow them off.
LAURA
I just left a voice message. BEV you go back to work. I'll get a crowd in no time.
BEV hesitates.
What are you doing?
BEV
I gotta make a call. (Gets on her cellphone)
Cut.
SCENE 7: EXT. Mass. Ave Bridge. GLENN is riding a bike. He looks to be recovering from a bad day. But it is spring and life is good. Suddenly he looks alarmed, them terrified; someone he seems to recognise is coming at him running. His bike wobbles. He quakes. He leaps from the bike over the railing of the bridge down into the the Charles River. The jogger stops and calls down, makes like she jump in after him to rescue him. GLENN swims faster away towaf the distant shore. A car stops and asks the jogger what happened. She shrugs.
JOGGER
Don't know. He just suddenly jumped.
She does a double-take. The driver looks to her like the guy who just jumped.
DRIVER
Shall we call the cops?
JOGGER
Dunno. Guess so. (Dials 911)
Cut.
SCENE 8: INT. A LECTURE HALL AT MIT
CHOMSKY
So in conclusion we need to put the word out there that the empire is over that it's time we realized that. Bring the troops home now occupying some 80 countries ln support of neoliberal fascist policies. And we need to stop aiding and abetting the world's thugs, big and small
VOICE FROM THE AUDIENCE
What about Netanyahu, Noam?
CHOMSKY
Well, he would be a prime example
ANOTHER VOICE
You suck, Chomsky.
He ducks left, then ducks right, small smile, as shoes come flying by him.
Would you know more about what happened if they had been Frank Gehry towers that fell in free fall.
YET ANOTHER VOICE
Judas!
CHOMSKY
What are you an anti-Semite?
The protestets grow louder, more disturbing.
Well, thank you again. Don't forget to read my latest plea.
ANOTHER VOICE
f*ck you, Chomsky
He smiles, duck again, walks across the stage like a duck at a carnival shooting gallery, stepping down.
His phone rings. It's BEV. She explains the situation about the shwarma joint and the protest gathering.
SCENE 9: EXT. OUTSIDE THE SHAWARMA
Bev and Laura are leading shouts of protests. More signs have appeared. Louder. All the Matters groups are there. There is a sense of peril, a sense of fun. The todo has driven patrons from the restaurant. The Israel waitress is arguing with a protester. She is directing a private security company to take photos of the crowd. A sign reads: A Two-State Solution Or Die. The waitress eyes the sign
WAITRESS
Yeah, I agree with that.
PROTESTERS
Hell no, we won't go.
A hippie type tries to give the waitress a long stem rose, but she breaks it in two.
WAITRESS
That's where all the flowers have gone.
There's some kind of melee, cops, honing horns, people coming up from Harvard Square to join in . Guitars are out. Someone's singing "If You're Going to San Francisco." Out of this crowd emerges Noam Chomsky. He's wearing a bandana and jeans and his long-neglected Che T-shirt. LAURA and BEV eye him up and down, pleased.
Cut
SCENE 10: INT. MASS. GENERAL. A SEMI PRIVATE ROOM. GLENN SITS UP WATCHING TV
Bev is on a WhatsApp call with Glenn.
GLENN
You told me when I was hired that I had full health insurance in case of an accident.
BEV
It wasn't an accident if you jumped.
GLENN
What do you mean it wasn't an accident? I know I jumped but it was still an accident.
BEV
Were you hurt?
GLENN
No, I'm okay.
BEV
Why are they still holding you then?
GLENN
Observation. I swallowed a lot of river, so they are running toxicity tests. I hope I don't have cancer.
BEV
By the way, you are covered for mental health.
GLENN
Funny.
Cut.
On the television is live coverage of the events in Central Square. It is getting tender as elements of the pro-Palestonian cause confront Israeli restaurant workforce. There is erudition heard. The camera briefly shows CHOMSKY, who is mingling. He stands smiling next to a college co-ed who wears a t-shirt with a pack on it and the peach says, Eat Me. It's groovy again.
Suddenly out of nowhere someone breaks loose from the crowd and throws a brick through the window of the restaurant, his companion follows with a Molotov cocktails that sets the establishment on fire. Suddenly it's a scene from Do The Right Thing.
We hear Howard Cosell describing play by play, Rockem Sockem robots interwoven with classic Muhammad Ali clips of The Greatest ropadopin and dancing and pulling faces at his opponent. The theme song begins, jaunty to the destruction all around. Credits roll.
Fade.
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