18. We helped our allies impose brutally oppressive terms on Germany after WW I, which created a sociopolitical environment in which Hitler thrived. Despite the ensuing tragedy, misery, and suffering, the horror of WW II marked the ascent of America to its throne atop the world and gave birth to an economy which thrives on perpetual war, a natural and unavoidable aspect of the human condition. Thank God America is here to manage the inevitable wars by manufacturing and selling its implements, waging it, and creating new ways to market it to the public.
19. We implement free trade policies.(Take note of how adroitly we disguise imposition as negotiation""people seldom stop to realize that few of the miniscule nations acquiescing to the free trade agreements would dare say no to a behemoth like us). These free trade agreements are bonanzas for our powerful corporations. Under the "negotiated" terms, they are able to utilize other countries by tapping their resources and paying their people the wages their "free"markets will bear, unfettered by that nonsensical "minimum wage". In exchange, those ungrateful foreigners get employers who keep their people off the street (and out of trouble) and a small percentage of the profits on their resources, which they were too technologically backward to access anyway. It is all quite fair.
20. We relieved Mexico of half of its territory under the fine guidance of President James K. Polk and it only cost 25,000 Mexican lives. We are to be commended for keeping the body count low.
21. When that ruthless monarch, Queen Liliuokalani of Hawaii, threatened the corporate interests of Dole, we annexed her islands. Her people were far better off living under our democracy than under her despotic rule.
22. We use depleted uranium in our "conventional" weaponry to ensure that there is lasting suffering for our conquered foes in the wake of our wars of necessity.
23. We wrested control of Guam, Puerto Rico, the Philippines, and Cuba away from those insidious Spaniards (who tainted much of our Hemisphere with their language, which most Americans do not understand or want to understand).
24. We did engage in torture, scorched earth tactics, and the murder of 1,000,000 civilians, but by God we beat those Filipino bastards. We won and held on to what was ours. In the end, that was all that mattered in the Philippines.
25. We cleverly created the "War on Drugs" as a means to maintain our corporate domination of Central and South American countries. Where would those poverty-stricken, Third World nations be without the free market capitalism our corporations inject into their economies? I shudder to think.
26. To act in the best interests of the people (again by protecting our corporations), we sent financing and equipment to military rulers in Guatemala, resulting in the deaths of hundreds of thousands of Communist peasants (indigenous Mayans). Thank God for the strength Reagan showed in supporting Rios Montt's Christian campaign, in which he annihilated 20,000 of those Commie bastards and drove another 100,000 out of the country.
27. Reagan showed similar mettle in El Salvador and Nicaragua. Under his leadership, we exterminated another 70,000 subversive Communists.
28. Despite that dreaded Platte Amendment, we held onto Guantanamo Bay. What a stroke of fortune for the world! Our great nation has imprisoned some of the world's most dangerous Terrorists at "Gitmo", and they will not be getting out anytime soon.
29. To punish Fidel Castro for robbing us of our ability to properly utilize Cuban people and resources, we have tried to assassinate or overthrow him on numerous occasions. Castro provided Cubans with education, jobs and health care. We imposed harsh sanctions on the Cuban economy that remain in effect today. Despite our lack of success in removing this Communist scourge from our Hemisphere, Castro's national health care system (which wastes money on indigents and the undeserving) has not infected America. Our capitalist model of health care for profit remains vibrant. We have done well.
30. We project an image of altruism by giving more money in foreign aid than any other nation. However, the American taxpayers need not worry. The reality is that we contribute a mere .15% of our national income, a percentage which is significantly lower than at least twenty other countries. We are miserly with our charity but we look good doing it, and those ingrates around the globe dam well better appreciate it, even if it does not involve true sacrifice on our part.
I would love to have added more to my accounting of the world's debt to our great nation, but Sunday morning rolled around and I needed to run. My wife and children were away, but I still had a big day planned to revel in my rebirth. As I headed to McDonald's to down a few McGriddles, I gassed up my Suburban, which only set me back about $100.00. I made it to the First Cavalry Fundamentalist Church of Christ in time to listen to Pastor Jeremiah McNeil remind his flock that Hugo Chavez is a Terrorist, homosexuals are morally depraved, the End Times are near (but we will be OK because we are Rapture-ready), and that we must stand firm and resolute with our Wartime President. Later, I headed to Wal-Mart to do some serious shopping with my credit cards. Tired of my abstemious existence (foolishly struggling stay debt free), I dropped about $8k on an array of computer and electronics equipment. Now that is the American Way. Play now and pay later! I felt ecstatic to save a few bucks and did not care an iota about the Chinese who had suffered deplorable working conditions to manufacture the goods I was buying. I was indifferent to the poverty level wage the clerk was earning as she rang me up.
As I completed a few more errands, I tuned in to Angry Man's radio and listened to the latest rants against the grave domestic threats posed by liberals and socialists. And I loved it because I felt validated, and because it drowned out the sound of my SUV sucking my gas tank dry. I devoted the rest of my day to manly activities, like watching football and drinking beer (so I could reassure myself of my heterosexuality). Evening descended and I turned on Fox News to ensure I would get "fair and balanced" coverage. They showed Cheney drumming up support for the war against Iran. I found myself nodding emphatic agreement when he said that we had to consider military options because the fundamentalist Islamic government was months away from developing nuclear weapons. War. Must make war. War. Must make war. That little chant ran through my head for several minutes, even after the Cheney segment was over. It had a rhythmic, almost hypnotic quality to it. Goddamn those Terrorists!
Later in the evening, I delved into The Savage Nation for more powerful insight into the leftist cancer eating away at America. After a couple of chapters, mental fatigue set in and I could no longer read. My thoughts wandered to a Website I had recently spotted called Jihad Unspun. I felt the rage welling up inside me. Those filthy Muslims contaminate our minds with their propaganda and threaten our way of life with their Terrorism. That sealed it for me. Tomorrow I would change the name of my blog from Thomas Paine's Corner to Neocon Unspun to counter those bastards. My anger subsided and slowly shifted to joy as I began planning my revamped site format. Finally closing my eyes, I smiled contentedly as I recalled the images of "Old Glory" and Charles Krauthammer, both of which had been indelibly etched into my mind. God bless the USA and thank you for Neoconning me, Charles.
19. We implement free trade policies.(Take note of how adroitly we disguise imposition as negotiation""people seldom stop to realize that few of the miniscule nations acquiescing to the free trade agreements would dare say no to a behemoth like us). These free trade agreements are bonanzas for our powerful corporations. Under the "negotiated" terms, they are able to utilize other countries by tapping their resources and paying their people the wages their "free"markets will bear, unfettered by that nonsensical "minimum wage". In exchange, those ungrateful foreigners get employers who keep their people off the street (and out of trouble) and a small percentage of the profits on their resources, which they were too technologically backward to access anyway. It is all quite fair.
20. We relieved Mexico of half of its territory under the fine guidance of President James K. Polk and it only cost 25,000 Mexican lives. We are to be commended for keeping the body count low.
21. When that ruthless monarch, Queen Liliuokalani of Hawaii, threatened the corporate interests of Dole, we annexed her islands. Her people were far better off living under our democracy than under her despotic rule.
23. We wrested control of Guam, Puerto Rico, the Philippines, and Cuba away from those insidious Spaniards (who tainted much of our Hemisphere with their language, which most Americans do not understand or want to understand).
24. We did engage in torture, scorched earth tactics, and the murder of 1,000,000 civilians, but by God we beat those Filipino bastards. We won and held on to what was ours. In the end, that was all that mattered in the Philippines.
25. We cleverly created the "War on Drugs" as a means to maintain our corporate domination of Central and South American countries. Where would those poverty-stricken, Third World nations be without the free market capitalism our corporations inject into their economies? I shudder to think.
26. To act in the best interests of the people (again by protecting our corporations), we sent financing and equipment to military rulers in Guatemala, resulting in the deaths of hundreds of thousands of Communist peasants (indigenous Mayans). Thank God for the strength Reagan showed in supporting Rios Montt's Christian campaign, in which he annihilated 20,000 of those Commie bastards and drove another 100,000 out of the country.
27. Reagan showed similar mettle in El Salvador and Nicaragua. Under his leadership, we exterminated another 70,000 subversive Communists.
28. Despite that dreaded Platte Amendment, we held onto Guantanamo Bay. What a stroke of fortune for the world! Our great nation has imprisoned some of the world's most dangerous Terrorists at "Gitmo", and they will not be getting out anytime soon.
29. To punish Fidel Castro for robbing us of our ability to properly utilize Cuban people and resources, we have tried to assassinate or overthrow him on numerous occasions. Castro provided Cubans with education, jobs and health care. We imposed harsh sanctions on the Cuban economy that remain in effect today. Despite our lack of success in removing this Communist scourge from our Hemisphere, Castro's national health care system (which wastes money on indigents and the undeserving) has not infected America. Our capitalist model of health care for profit remains vibrant. We have done well.
30. We project an image of altruism by giving more money in foreign aid than any other nation. However, the American taxpayers need not worry. The reality is that we contribute a mere .15% of our national income, a percentage which is significantly lower than at least twenty other countries. We are miserly with our charity but we look good doing it, and those ingrates around the globe dam well better appreciate it, even if it does not involve true sacrifice on our part.
I would love to have added more to my accounting of the world's debt to our great nation, but Sunday morning rolled around and I needed to run. My wife and children were away, but I still had a big day planned to revel in my rebirth. As I headed to McDonald's to down a few McGriddles, I gassed up my Suburban, which only set me back about $100.00. I made it to the First Cavalry Fundamentalist Church of Christ in time to listen to Pastor Jeremiah McNeil remind his flock that Hugo Chavez is a Terrorist, homosexuals are morally depraved, the End Times are near (but we will be OK because we are Rapture-ready), and that we must stand firm and resolute with our Wartime President. Later, I headed to Wal-Mart to do some serious shopping with my credit cards. Tired of my abstemious existence (foolishly struggling stay debt free), I dropped about $8k on an array of computer and electronics equipment. Now that is the American Way. Play now and pay later! I felt ecstatic to save a few bucks and did not care an iota about the Chinese who had suffered deplorable working conditions to manufacture the goods I was buying. I was indifferent to the poverty level wage the clerk was earning as she rang me up.
As I completed a few more errands, I tuned in to Angry Man's radio and listened to the latest rants against the grave domestic threats posed by liberals and socialists. And I loved it because I felt validated, and because it drowned out the sound of my SUV sucking my gas tank dry. I devoted the rest of my day to manly activities, like watching football and drinking beer (so I could reassure myself of my heterosexuality). Evening descended and I turned on Fox News to ensure I would get "fair and balanced" coverage. They showed Cheney drumming up support for the war against Iran. I found myself nodding emphatic agreement when he said that we had to consider military options because the fundamentalist Islamic government was months away from developing nuclear weapons. War. Must make war. War. Must make war. That little chant ran through my head for several minutes, even after the Cheney segment was over. It had a rhythmic, almost hypnotic quality to it. Goddamn those Terrorists!
Later in the evening, I delved into The Savage Nation for more powerful insight into the leftist cancer eating away at America. After a couple of chapters, mental fatigue set in and I could no longer read. My thoughts wandered to a Website I had recently spotted called Jihad Unspun. I felt the rage welling up inside me. Those filthy Muslims contaminate our minds with their propaganda and threaten our way of life with their Terrorism. That sealed it for me. Tomorrow I would change the name of my blog from Thomas Paine's Corner to Neocon Unspun to counter those bastards. My anger subsided and slowly shifted to joy as I began planning my revamped site format. Finally closing my eyes, I smiled contentedly as I recalled the images of "Old Glory" and Charles Krauthammer, both of which had been indelibly etched into my mind. God bless the USA and thank you for Neoconning me, Charles.
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