HILLARY AND BILL BEHIND THE CAMERAS -- MID-AUGUST, 2014 (a skit)
HILLARY: Well, his ratings are way down and I needed to separate myself from him so voters wouldn't link me with an unpopular Administration, didn't I?
BILL: For Christ's sake, did you forget that you voted to invade Iraq? Dissing Obama for HIS foreign policy mistakes just brings up that old bugaboo all over again. Why don't you follow my orders? You made me promise to make you President if you agreed to stay married to me during that Monica business, but how am I ever going to get you in office if you keep ignoring me and blunder all over the place?
And another thing, don't ever say again that we're broke. How do you think that sounds when everybody knows we have two expensive houses and get huge fees every time we give a lecture! In fact, I think you better cool it with all those corporate talks -- it just doesn't conform to the image you're trying to project of being concerned for the little guy.
HILLARY: If you stuck around once in a while instead of disappearing all the time whenever you need an ego boost from admiring crowds, maybe you could supervise me so I don't make mistakes. But, then, how could you manage your little trysts without attracting the media? You know you can't keep your pants zipped.
BILL: Now don't start".if I got a little at home, maybe I'd be less".uh, restless.
HILLARY: Oh, come on, Bill. We agreed long ago to stay married for political reasons. You know damned well we'd both turned off to each other long ago.
BILL: Ok, ok. Let's not go there. We have to concentrate on your campaign. Speaking of that, I thought your book tour was a BIG mistake. I never thought that big bore would sell very well and it was a major setback when the news got out that sales were meagre. Frankly, I found it to be a big snooze, and if anybody bothered to actually read it, I'm sure it put them to sleep, too.
HILLARY: I had to prove my competence as Secretary of State, didn't I?
BILL: WHAT competence? Tell me one thing you accomplished. Israel and Gaza are still exploding. Russia is out of control. Iraq is on the verge of total collapse. I could go on and on.
HILLARY: You bastard!
BILL: You ignorant b*tch!
HILLARY: Lousy Lothario!
BILL: Hey, we gotta stop this. If we're going to be back in the White House, we've got to keep our dislike of each other under wraps.
HILLAR: OK. Let's get back to the campaign. I've just GOT to be President. I'm entitled to it.
(SINGS) I WANT TO BE THE PRESIDENT
(reproduced from mini-musical, "The Billary Follies," words, music and script by Joan Wile)
(march tempo)
I WANT TO BE THE PRESIDENT
THE PRESIDENT OF THESE UNITED STATES
YOU MUST IMMEDIATELY IMPLEMENT
MY DREAM, MY FUTURE AWAITS
I WANT TO BE THE PRESIDENT
THE FIRST WOMAN PRESIDENT OF THE LAND
I WANT TO SET A PRECEDENT
AND I INSIST THAT YOU LEND ME A HAND
I WANT THE WORLD TO BOW AND SCRAPE
I WANT TO DROWN IN TICKER TAPE
REPRESENT A BRAND NEW AGE
AS I STRIDE THE GLOBAL STAGE
I WANT TO BE THE PRESIDENT
NOTHING WILL KEEP ME FROM MY GOAL
THERE IS NO WAY YOU CAN PREVENT
MY TAKING OVER YOUR FORMER ROLE
WHAT EXQUISITE RELIEF
TO HEAR "HAIL TO THE CHIEF"
AND KNOW IT'S MEANT FOR ONLY ME
THE FIRST FEMALE LEADER OF THE FREE
I WANT TO BE THE PRESIDENT
I'M TIRED OF BEING SECOND MATE
YOU'D BETTER NOT BE HESITANT
STEP UP TO MY PLATE
BEFORE"IT'S"TOO LATE!
BILL: Speaking of being too late, Hillary, I seriously think you ought to consider a major face overhaul. You're beginning to look like a tired old broad. By 2015, you'll look even older.
HILLARY: How dare you? You're looking pretty over the hill yourself!
BILL: Yeah, but at least I'm slim now. You've got a bit too much blubber on you, old girl. Better get busy getting into shape and fixing your face. Otherwise, you won't have a chance.
HILLARY: My followers will never desert me! I can't lose " not this time. I've worked too hard". always having to figure where the wind blows so I know what position to take".swallowing Obama as my boss".flying endlessly around the globe meeting all those disgusting world leaders. I just can't fail this time around.
BILL: Don't worry"..if you don't make it, there's always Chelsea.
