Sixth, Use Immigrant Labor for Unskilled Tasks
PNC reports that the eight maids a-milking got a pay raise this year thanks to a rise in the Federal minimum wage. But even though the milking maids remain the lowest-paid workers on the list, you can drive their cost down still more. Just use undocumented workers to do the job. You will only need two of them for eleven days. Offer them $4.00 an hour and threaten to call ICE if they object.
Don't know any undocumented workers or illegal aliens? Ask your housekeeper: she probably is one. (You are paying her payroll taxes, aren't you?)
Seventh, Be a Scab
Consider now the cost of pipers and drummers. PNC uses American Federation of Musicians scale wages to compute the cost of a gig for professional musicians. But you're a Conservative: you know that paying such exorbitant fees would (a) bankrupt you immediately and (b) implicitly support organized labor. You can't stand for any of that.
Luckily, you have an alternative: conservatory students. They will play for whatever amount you offer, just for the chance to play. Offer them $75 a day. They may even play for free if you promise to feed them. (Feed them in the kitchen, out of sight of your guests, of course.)
Your new cost: $5,700 for 76 musician-days, a 74% savings.
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