So Long, 2012: New Year's Resolutions I'd Like to Hear

Through the years, I've discovered something about New Year's resolutions: while it's not so easy to keep them, it's very easy to make them for other people. And a lot more fun, too. So here are some New Year's resolutions I'd like to hear assorted public figures make and keep:

"I will remember that I won the election convincingly -- and govern accordingly." ~ President Obama

"If someone asks me why I think I lost the election, I'll just say 'I guess they preferred the other guy's ideas.'" ~ Mitt Romney

"I'll find better uses for my $150 million than trying to buy an election." ~ Sheldon Adelson

"I will reach the fifth stage of grieving -- acceptance -- about Ohio, and send out a 'Sorry I blew that $300 million' card to my 2012 donors." ~ Karl Rove

"I will use my final year in office to keep gun control on the front burner." ~ Mayor Michael Bloomberg

"I will realize that destroying the economies of Germany's trading partners is not good for Germany's economy." ~ Angela Merkel

"I will stop living my life on camera and have an actual childhood." ~ Honey Boo Boo

"We will go away." ~ Members of the Westboro Baptist Church

"I will finally quit making excuses and coming up with crazy ideas, like armed guards at every school, and admit that guns really do kill people, and lots of them." ~ NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre

"I will have caller ID installed in my delivery room." ~ Kate Middleton

For verification when calling my granddaughter-in-law, I will use a codename ('Lady Zaza'? 'Scorpio'? 'Gangnam Style'?)" ~ Queen Elizabeth

"I will enjoy my last months of privacy." ~ Will and Kate's baby

"I will enroll in a legitimate Biology 101 class." ~ Todd Akin

"Two words: New password." ~ Scarlett Johansson

"I will remind myself that 'forgive and forget' should not apply to cases of battery by a boyfriend." ~ Rihanna