Kerry, Win By Following Bush's Victory Path; after all, it leaves a slime trail
By Allan P. Duncan
There is an old adage that states, "To defeat an opponent one must know their opponent." If this is true, then it only seems logical to assume, that to really defeat an opponent, one should become their opponent.
With this in mind, here's my advice to John Kerry on how to defeat George W. Bush in the 2004 election.
To stay consistent with Bush's life path, have someone set you up for a cocaine arrest. Then use your family's money to get you the best lawyers possible so they can negotiate a deal where you can quietly do community service at an inner city youth center (see Fortunate Son.) Make sure this is done in the state where you have the most political influence so you can be assured that the arrest records and court records will be disappeared.
Next, drive around your hometown shitfaced drunk until you are finally arrested. Then make sure that the division of motor vehicles deletes it from your driving record. Make like Bush and have all of your motor vehicle violations expunged in your home state
When you become a full fledged alcoholic and your family can't take it anymore, don't listen to the advice of professionals and go to counseling, rehab, A.A. or anything like that. Just claim that you were saved by a religious conversion, denounce your Catholicism, and contact the folks at Bob Jones University for further instruction on becoming "Born Again".
This will actually kill two birds with one stone. Not only will you not have to go through all of the hard work that most alcoholics do in order to rehabilitate themselves, but by taking the easy way out, you will also have gained the support of millions of fundamentalist zealots, who just as they did with Bush, will find you a man of high morals and will anoint you as their chosen one to lead them into war against those godforsaken Muslim heathens.
Next, buy the Boston Red Sox, by using taxpayers money (use land purchase funds for building a stadium after you destroy Fenway Park and hide the extra money in that deal) and trade Curt Schilling for a loser utility infielder from the Toledo Mudhens. This will certainly cement your reputation as a savvy business visionary and will be another feather in your cap that you can use to convince the American public that you are qualified to lead our country.
When you get tired of owning the Red Sox, get a do-nothing job in the family business and make sure you are given a token position on the board of the company, where you have nothing to do and loaf again for awhile. This will also be a nice plum on your resume.
Then travel to Saudi Arabia and befriend the Royal Family. Since there are thousands of members of this family, see if there is another one called Prince Bandar and call him Bandar Kerry. See if Bandar can put you in touch with any of the Bin Laden's, and if so, convince them that you are an oil man and have them invest in your new company. Once your company fails, you are well on your way my friend!
Your military record could be a problem but I have come up with a plan to counter that too. Have someone you know in DC get rid of your records and wipe out all evidence that you served heroically in Vietnam . Then simply tell everyone you served in the Air National Guard for a year with Bush in Alabama and you have the records to prove it. Since Bush already released his records tell them to look for your name right next to his.
Also, quit reading newspapers and books. Trust those around you to let you know what is going on in the world. Why waste time and energy reading and finding out information on your own when you can just be lazy, kick back and simply have others do your reading for you?
So John, if you take my advice seriously and play your cards right, by September you should be just as fully qualified to be President as Bush was in 2000. If it worked for Bush why shouldn't it work for you? When in Crawford"do as the Crawford's do.
Get cracking my man and start guzzling those brewskis, but watch the pretzels!
Allan Duncan is a 911 activist, and a former Social Worker and police officer, who lives in New Hope , PA. This article is copyright by Allan Duncan ADuncan282@aol.com originally published by opednews.com Permission is granted to forward this or to place it on a website as long as the article is included intact, including this statement
