Chapman's book, which I am reviewing in this essay, is entitled NOW YOU'RE SPEAKING MY LANGUAGE( Nashville: B...amp; H Publishing, 2004), and takes a broader approach towards marriage counseling than does some of Chapman's other earlier books. In a way, each chapter is like a new chapter in a textbook. However, the pieces eventually interlock or dovetail, but not as fluidly as in Chapman's LOVE LANGUAGE series. Nonetheless, each chapter if read and discussed together by each partner in marriage, will certainly meet the subtitle's intention: The subtitle of the work is "Honest Communication and Deeper Intimacy for a Stronger Marriage."
Chapman's thesis is that good communication is the rode to intimacy, and without intimacy there is, naturally, something important missing in maintaining any long term relationship. Chapmen writes: "Good communication requires that we identify and eliminate the unhealthy [elements or communication patterns] and then find new ways of communicating that foster understanding and intimacy. [p.13]"
Chapman, therefore, spends the 2nd chapter in this book discussing four models (or patterns) of "unhealthy" communication common in America and around the globe. I immediately recognized all four unhealthy patterns in my life or in the life experiences of people I have loved. Here are the four unhealthy patterns: the Dove, the Hawk, the Owl, and the Ostrich.
The latter one, the Ostrich, is naturally a pattern of communication where one never talks about the real issues or real problems in their marriage at all--i.e. hoping that problems will take care of themselves. On the other hand, the Dove's is the unhealthy pattern of always capitulating to the opinion or the will/desires expressed by the other, in order to promote peace and harmony. That other may be a Hawk, who always seems to be blaming everything on others--even if the other has capitulated to their whims. The Owl is the wise one who believes that communication of words is enough to settle matters--and is oblivious to the amount of wasted time and uselessness of words--in cases where feelings are at the heart of a dispute (not the words used to express the feelings).
Amazingly, when I consider years of studying communication patterns among cultures and individuals around the planet, I know individuals (or societies) who believe that either the Dove, the Hawk, the Owl or the Ostrich are the single alternative as communication patterns. These societies and individuals demand that all others use or strive to use one of these four unhealthy patterns 100% of the time.
Chapman asks the reader to immediately to reflect on these individual, family, or cultural assumptions. He warns us against those who claim to find full biblical support for any single position of these unhealthy four, as well. Chapman notes that picking and choosing certain Bible verses out of millions will not help. In short, steadfastly following one of those four unhealthy patterns will lead eventually to worse and worse communication and, hence, to a lack of empathy or intimacy in any relationship.
For example, I recall many friends of mine who were Mennonite pacificists and intellectuals who stood firmly in the role of either the owl or the Dove. Some were constantly quite stressed or were busy stressing out others.
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