You know, my grandfather was in Patton's army. Didn't know that, didja? And when Patton was chewing him out with cuss words that would get me slapped with an FCC fine bigger than Janet Jackson's nipple slip, nobody cared if my grandfather was red, white, blue, black, yellow, Meskin, or queer. (Well, maybe they would have cared if he was Japanese; probably woulda thrown him in a gulag out in the California desert"and come to think of it, they mighta beat him to a bloody pulp back before I got rid of Don't Ask Don't Tell") But as it turns out, this particular grandfather was straight and white in this case. I'm just chock full o' surprises tonight, hoo boy, I tell you!
Where was I going with this? Oh, right--we're all in this together.
The middle class is right between the poor class and the wealthy rich elite class. Or at least it used ta be, but now it's hard to keep that promise alive, just like it's hard to keep Hope alive, right Jesse? You know, this country lost four-million jobs before I came into office, so you can't pin that one on me. And we lost another four-million jobs before my policies went into effect, so I'm not taking the rap for those pink slips neither. So you got at least eight-million jobs down the toilet that we can lay squarely at the feet of Mr. Bush. But since you put a black man in the White House, we have created three-million jobs, the most jobs created since 2005. You do the math. Unless you graduated from an American high school, of course.
Now Lord knows I have tried to work with this recalcitrant Congress, but it ain't easy. And I'm just talking about the Senate Democrats. Those crazy teabaggers who signed the no tax pledge over there in the House, well, that's a whole "nother story. We got into a fight last summer over whether or not this nation under God was gonna pay its debts or not. No kidding! And we finally said, OK, we'll work out a payment plan with China, but in order to get those Republicans to agree to pay what we owe, they held a gun to my head and forced us to agree to cut the deficit by $2-trillion dollars! That's a lot of simoleons, and a lot of fired teachers and folks who won't get unemployment checks. Those guys don't play nice, I'm tellin' ya, and they just simply don't want me to accomplish anything, even when I have bent over backwards to try and be bipartisan.
PROTECTING CONSUMERS SINCE LAST WEEK
But now that's it's an election year, I have decided that I'm not going to tolerate any more of their shenanigans. No more Mr. Nice Guy. I will fight obstruction with action, which is why I went and appointed Mr. Richard Cordray to that consumer protection thing over there. The Republicans would come into the House chambers, bang the gavel, say they were in session, and then bang it again to dismiss. That's why I had to sneak behind their backs and make that appointment during their "90-second recess." They never did let Elizabeth Warren come up for a vote even, and now she's gonna whup ol' Scott Brown upside the head over there in Taxachusetts. (Which has a pretty nifty health care system, by the way. Very similar to the one I tried to get for y'all. Oh yeah, and it was put in place by the front-runner for the Republican ticket, that Mormon guy nobody likes.)
BRING THE JOBS HOME
But GM is now once again the Number One car maker in the world, did you know that? Everyone said, oh just let the car industry sink of its own dead weight, but I said no way Jose, and now we've created 160-thousand jobs. To help make up for the 330-thousand it lost in 2008.
And now the CEO of Masterlock says it makes sense to start creating jobs back here at home. So if you need to change the locks on your house since your divorce because that crazy be-atch has been breaking in and stealing your La-Z-Boy and your Radiohead CDs, you're helping American workers.
If you are sending jobs over to sweatshops in China, we're not going to give you any more tax breaks, at least not any more than we already have. (I'm looking at you Laurene Powell Jobs--you know those iPhone factories I'm talkin' about!) No, what we're gonna do is, we will give you a tax break if you create new jobs here in America! Did you hear that Boehner and Cantor? I said Tax Breaks! Put that in your tea party pipe and smoke it. Let's see you come out against tax breaks for corporations who create jobs here at home.
You know, I have to agree with my fascist brothers and sisters on the other side of the aisle--American companies have the highest tax rate in the world. Of course, none of them actually pay it, not when they can do the Irish two-step or shuffle those profits to the Cayman Islands or to a phone booth in Bimini. In fact, we're subsidizing General Electric and Chevron, both of whom got a pretty tidy refund check in the mail last year. So just to sweeten the pot, we're gonna give "em more tax breaks, provided they can make it look like they are actually creating new jobs in the USA, at least on the books anyway.
I will go anywhere in the world to sell American products. OK, maybe not Cuba, you got me there. But hell, we'll take money from Bashar al-Assad if it means a paycheck for American arms manufacturers.
And we're going to train two-million Americans so they can learn new skills and start earning money, like that guy Walter White on "Breaking Bad." Did you see that finale where Gus was in the hospital and came out looking like Harvey Dent in "The Dark Knight?" Awesome. But I digress.
New skills. Meth labs. Internet fraud. Where was I now?
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