Oh yeah. Other countries send their kids to college and pay the tuition. Well, we're gonna mix it up over here. We're gonna send our kids to Vocational School. I didn't say we'd PAY for it, mind you, but they gotta get some good job skills because there are too many English majors standing in line for free government cheese.
IMMIGRATION STARTS AT HOME
And let's talk about our porous borders. We have illegal immigrants who come over here
to have babies, and can you blame them?
But it's not the kids' fault. They get a degree and then we deport them
so they can go back home and make money for some other country. We need to pass
the Dream Act so we can get more of those folks working back here, taking out
student loans and buying stuff on credit cards
And did I mention that I have deported more illegal aliens than George Bush did? Serves "em right for landing those flying saucers over here without a Green Card.
We need to strengthen our energy supply, so I'm opening up more offshore oil drilling while at the same time reminding you that I Will Not Back Down from containing an oil spill like the one that slicked up the Gulf purty good a coupla years ago. It's time to end subsidies to the oil companies and make it easier for them to start drilling on public lands. Say what?
And we're going to let those ol' Bush tax cuts for the rich folks expire"or at least give it the old college try, once again. It just doesn't make sense that Ms. Debbie Bosanek, sitting over here with Michelle, pays a higher tax rate than her boss Warren Buffett. Just ain't right. I want millionaires to pay at least 30% in taxes. What's ol' Mitt paying again, now that we got to see his tax returns last week? Oh yeah, 15%, that's right. You can shout about class warfare all you want, but I got the 99% with me on this one. Mic Check! I'm giving a shout-out to all you Occupiers out there, if you can hear the dog whistle!
And before you go calling me soft on defense, let me remind you once again that I killed Bin Laden. Not personally, you understand, but I gave the order, just like Michael Corleone in "The Godfather, Part 2." And did I mention that I have killed more al Qaeda operatives using predator drones, carrying out unsanctioned murder across neutral country borders without a warrant, killing more of those rat bastards than Gee Dub did? Check it out. Who's bad? I am, aren't I?
So to wrap it up: State of the Union, feelin' stronger every day. It's too late to turn back now. I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I'm fallin' in love. People say I'm the life of the party "cause I tell a joke or two. Although I might be laughing loud and hearty, deep inside I'm blue.
And I hope you will vote blue when you double-tap on that ol' touchscreen come this November.
Thank you all, God bless you, and God bless this mess.
SFX: Applause UP and OUT.
Roll Credits.
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